100 things that are good to know about me...

1. I have nappy hair, which I have a love/hate relationship with.


2. I'm obsessed with shoes. Seriously obsessed.


3. I'm a very sensual person. That does NOT mean that you can get in.


4. I overanalyze everything.


5. I hate the smell of seafood, so I only eat seafood I can't smell.


6. I'm an overly agressive driver. I cruise at 90mph, tailgate, cut people off, flash my brights, and suffer from traffic induced Turrette's syndrome. I'm working on this.


7. When I sing in my car to offset the road rage, I think I sound like E. Badu, Jill Scott & Mary J. all rolled into one.


8. I think every woman has a flower that reflects their personality. Mine is a dragonlily.


9. Honesty and integrity are very important to me - sometimes I'm so honest, it works to my detriment. I will never change that, regardless.


10. I'm addicted to reality TV.


11. When I was 5, I wanted to be white, with blonde hair, and blue eyes. A 5 yr old italian neighbor of mine burst that bubble, and introduced me to the "N" word.


12. I didn't become "black" until I was 11.


13. I still think Peter Frampton was hot.


14. My father drowned when I was 11. We were very close.


15. My mother died 2 weeks after September 11th, 2001. We weren't very close.


16. I loved both my parents, but I must say - I am my mothers child. We were too much alike, two Strong, Independent Black Woman. Which is why we didn't get along.


17. I miss being my daddy's "girl". But I really miss my mom. I really do.


18. Brown Sugar is one of my favorite movies of all time, along with Love Jones, The Best Man, et al.


19. I may someday be a writer, for many reasons, but one of which is::


20. I believe us black folks have more stories than Soul Plane, and Friday After Next belie.


21. I'm a registered Democrat, but I will vote/have voted for Republicans.


22. I refuse to believe that any "party" has my best interests at heart.


23. I think angels walk among us. I also think anyone, at any time, can be called upon to fulfill the role of "angel" in someone else's life.


24. I am one of them colored girls, who considered suicide. And yes, the rainbow is enuff.


25. I am very intelligent.


26. I hate the fact that most intelligent people sacrifice their compassion to highlight their intelligence.


27. I think good manners are important.


28. I love M.A.C and Bobbi Brown cosmetics.


29. I prefer light-colored liquor.


30. I think bling is real 1986 - we shoulda left that trend where it was when we couldn't afford it.


31. I don't care if black people date interracially. However, I personally prefer a brother who personally prefers someone who looks like me.


32. I don't think that social policy will ever change the ills (racism, classism, elitism) that have existed within our culture since it's inception.


33. I wish my people would harness their economic power.


34. My lips are shaped like a heart, and the top lip has a nice divot.


35. I love to dance:: Chicago step, salsa, merengue, er breakdance shake my booty.


36. I have a lot of booty to shake.


37. I need to lose weight. I know I need to lose weight.


38. I love alla me, including the weight I need to lose.


39. I aspire to teach, to reach, to mentor, to open a door. I want to leave a mark on this world.


40. I love steaks, medium rare. Make mine bloody, thank you very much.


41. I have two brothers, one whole & one half, that I do not know.


42. I am a very sensitive person.


43. I find it extremely difficult to share things about myself.
44. I have dismissed more people from my life lately than I have let in.


45. My most recent "exes" and my ex-best friend all agree: I can be very dismissive. If I even think you're shady, you'll get cut faster than you can say "I'm sorry"


46. I love music, particularly "neo-soul" and have a constant soundtrack in my head.


47. I like frou-frou coffee, and the adult milkshakes they serve at Starbucks.


48. I don't like red roses, because I think they take little imagination, and are too easily accessible.


49. I was in an abusive relationship.


50. The person who abused me gave me red roses all the time.


51. I've never been married.


52. I would like to be married.


53. I could drive from NY to CA with no problems, as long as I have a map.


54. I have driven 1000+ by myself, only stopping for gas.


55. The last time I did this, I hallucinated a Klansman, driving a black hearse, wearing glasses over his hood, driving next to me. I vowed not to do it again.


56. I think everyone has issues.


57. I talk to myself. Sometimes, that's the only intelligent person I can find to have a conversation with.


58. I am a computer geek.


59. I also used to want to be a fashion designer.


60. I like wearing fashionable clothing.


61. I have also been known to wear a flash drive/mini-disk as a fashion accessory.


62. I make computer geeks look GOOD.


63. I am a former teenage welfare mom.


64. I have two baby-daddies, and they are both uninterested in their children.


65. I have a grown daughter, who moved out last year, that I miss terribly.


66. I am the parent of a disabled child.


67. My sweet, loving son saved my life.


68. Sometimes, I feel ill-equipped to be his mother.


69. I never intended to become a single parent. Twice.


70. Being a single parent is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.


71. I have used/abused drugs & alcohol.


72. In another life, I sold drugs to finance my habit.


73. I used to date street pharmacists exclusively.


74. I hope the statute of limitations has expired on my stint as a street pharmacist.


75. When Ms. Jackson and I were young, we looked alike - back in the Penny on Good Times days.


76. I sometimes lust for an extreme makeover so we can look alike again.


77. I am more witty & sarcastic than funny. And I love that about myself.


78. I don't do regret or shame. At least I try hard not to.


79. I really believe: shame/regret is a useless emotion, forcing us to dwell on things we can never change. Learn the lesson, and keep moving.


80. My friends say I have overachiever in me.


81. I am very driven.


82. I am not always very focused (they are SO not the same thing).


83. I am a pack-rat, from a long line of pack-rats.


84. I love hip-hop music, and will until I die.


85. I hate gangsta rap, Master P., all No Limit artists, and all this "bling-bling" bullshit.


86. I write poetry, mainly because (sometimes) poetry allows me to breath.


87. I wish I had the balls to recite my poetry.


88. I think every woman should exercise their right to masturbate, buy sex toys, and own porn. I have ;-)


89. I sometimes drift off asleep as I'm typing.


90. Within the last 18 months, I've had two surgeries for fibroids - a Hysteroscopy and a Myomectomy (see Intracavitary Myoma and Submucous Myomas).


91. My doctor wanted/still wants me to have a hysterectomy, because of the fibroids.


92. I still have one fibroid.


93. I have wicked, wicked pms, possibly thanks to the remaining fibroid. However, we've come to an agreement - it stops bleeding like crazy (which had my Dr. really concerned) and I give it a home, for now. I want to keep my uterus.


94. I once (only once) spent three days in jail. For a non-street-pharmacist related charge.


95. There is nothing remotely comfortable, luxurious, plush, or desirable about jail. It is dehumanizing, despite what anyone may say or show in the media. And the only thing I see wasteful (in terms of tax dollars) about it is the bureaucracy. Which the inmates have little to do with.


96. I have never been in prison, so I can't speak to that.


97. My friends also say I am boughetto or boughetti - bourgeoisie and ghetto. Strangely, I'm ok with that.


98. My friends came up with that 2 years ago - way before that Ali & Murphy Lee song.


99. My friends are the closest thing I have to family. And they have all been dropped on their heads, IMHO.


100. I love my friends, dearly. They hold me down, keep me grounded and elevated, at the same time. And mostly I love them because they know and embrace the following::


101. I am way too complicated to be described by 100 things.


Whew...that was tougher/easier than I thought.

golden kind of day

blissful weekend::

wrap up my final in Business Analysis. Loved the class, but it was challenging. pick up my son from the sitter, and off we go...

target, one of my favorite stores...gather some storage needs...clean & detail my truck (even yanked them seats up)...bro offers to wash the truck for $7 + water, so I give him $10 (rims was nashy wit brake dust), and he even hits my tires with a lil silicone to give it a 'wett' look...so I tell him to keep the change...off to...

DSW, for sneaks for the son, get him 2 pair, and myself this nasty pair of Via Spigas that (whew) I don't even want to post a pic of....don't want NOBODY else to wear them...lol..then on to...

Adams park...and the weather is perfect...a tempid 65-70 degrees...just cool enuff for a transplanted Northener to try and get away with an irreverant combo of sweater & shorts...nice playground for my DS...which gives me a lil time to read for pleasure...nikki giovanni's love poems...and DS wears himself out, so after Mickey D's on the way home, he's done...and I can...

indulge in an aperitif...the only handy thing some Green Apple Smirnoff Twisted Ice...not the apple martini I wanted, but it's cool...I pass out in my Archie Bunker chair, and DS on the Big Green Monster (a couch so comfortable it's dangerous)...

wake up...first to the local (street) produce provider...veggies TOO pretty to resist, so fresh food it is...wash all our clothes, and hang them up...clean my house...cook dinner...then open all the doors, light some scented candles...and (basically) vegetate the rest of the day...polish off the evening with The Wire.

today was Golden, and yes, I'm living my life like it is.

the rules of having a maintenance dude...

the rules::

1. You do not talk about the maintenance dude.


2. You DO NOT talk about the maintenance dude.


3. When someone goes limp or says stop, the f$#@'ing is over.


4. Only two people to a f$#@.


5. One f$#@ at a time.


6. No shirt, no shoes.


7. f$#@s go on for as long as they have to.


8. If this is your first visit to the maintenance dude, you have to f$#@!

sorry sistas, I don't know why I had to, but I had to violate rule#1 here. ah, well.

I like my maintenance dude. He's talented, creative ... and, er - well-fitted for the job. Plus, he knows the other set of rules::

1. You do not talk about the maintenance dude.


2. You DO NOT talk about the maintenance dude.


3. When someone catches feelings or starts some drama, the f$#@'ing is permanently over.


4. Only as many people as are willing to a f$#@.


5. One f$#@ at a time.


6. No pajamas, no overnight bags.


7. f$#@s go on for as long as they have to.


8. If this is your first visit to the maintenance dude, you have to f$#@!

But nah, really - he's a cool person. And gifted. I've given all the other members of the cast a shout - I figured he's earned his.

Plus, I been neglecting dude - since JC's back. He's understanding and all, but even he can only put up with so much. And like the maintenance dude says: "where was he when you had needs?"

<into her cellphone:>"Hey _______, how are you? I know it's been a sec, just wanted to see how you where doing..."

thought-collage...

aight, question for ya? when i'm blogstipated, is it better to combine blogs, or post repeatedly? well - this one will be a thought-collage...

lovelife:: the balls seemed to have adjusted themselves for a change. The Artist proved himself to be just as self-centered, self-pitying and flighty as the stereotype predicts. The Lover disappeared, and stopped returning my calls (bro, if you met someone else - just say that, ok? really - it wasn't that deep), and so did the Geek (somehow, that didn't bother me much). And as for that other dude...

JC:: We're trying, again. Long story short - I love him, and I want to be with him for the rest of it. Short story long - we're bound together, still. And despite my attempts to replace him, and all the drama he has in his life - and he has drama - we keep coming back together, and I believe (for now) that's our path, and God's will.

the ambigously gay question:: so I'm getting my caffeine-high on, at my local Magic Johnson's Starbuck's®. I mean, all day - 10am to 5pm. And there's this guy there, handling business. Attractive bro, well-groomed, well-spoken, nicely dressed - on his cellphone, meeting clients, etc. He asks what I'm working on, and I tell him that my short-answer legal midterm, has turned into a 12-page case study. So - we both get back to work.

Later, he's sketching, so I inquire what, and he shows me - designing clothes, just one of many "sidelines". Again, back to work.

So, as he goes to leave, he strikes up a conversation again, I don't remember what about. We really get to talking this time- likes/dislikes, career, education, working hard, playing harder, etc. Casual stuff. He asks how many kids I have, astonished that I have a 20 year old. He notes mentally (I notice this) - my naked ring finger on my left hand. I also notice his. We exchange business cards & cell phone numbers - he's a doctor. It's all good, even with the JC remix.

The problem???
.

So, do I just ask this kid? "Oh, by the way, I was just <ahem> wondering, if you know...you had ever...you know...slept with another man???!!!"

Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just need to know there's a level playing field...no wait, wrong quote...I just need to know which team you're playing for, and not just whether you're pitching or receiving.

gotta go...my eyes are calling the back of my eyelids...

the kind of drunk I want to get on...

I'd like to float in a sensory deprivation tank filled with Everclear®-infused Lime Jello®, long enough to see whether I could get drunk from absorbing the alcohol through my pores, and what kind of hallucinations would result from it.

Please don't ask - I have no idea where this thought, which is impaled on my brain stem, came from.

enuff

I found my sensuality between the cushions of my couch
Along with a quarter, a dime, a penny
Some cookie crumbs,
and a black HotWheels Firebird with flames on its hood…

I found it at 3am, eyes half-closed
A rerun of 8 Mile on Starz

I brushed my hand against it while lying on the couch

And it wasn’t in the whisper of some sepia toned brother
Vocalizing his amazement at the deliciousness
Of my damp milk-chocolate colored skin lit only by candlelight,
Or by my eyes, and his informing me
“…they’re not black, but a pretty dark brown”
as he stares into their bottomless depths

I didn’t find it in the open-mouthed gawk of my best male friend’s
Sudden epiphany
“your lips are perfectly shaped just like a heart”
on my rare pink-lipsticked occasion

I thought I’d given it away to someone
Who never deserved it
And I, never to regain it
Some nameless faceless Other
Who would sporadically drop by to
Sate my hunger with some cotton candy and a pixie stix
Leaving me to wonder whether he’d ever give it back

Whether I could find in a bouquet of wildflowers
he gave me on my birthday
(he knows I hate roses)
or whether after sweaty episodes
he’d leave it on my nightstand

I found my beauty
In the soft caress of my own eyelashes
against my own cheek
tender forearm brush against breast
pad of index finger stroking the nape of my own neck
and realized

I was cute, before I knew what cute was
Beautiful before I knew what true beauty is
Before I knew what boys where
Before I knew that I lived in a culture that would eventually confirm
That I’m not “enuff”
Not
Thin enuff
Light enuff
Long-haired enuff
Even-toned-skin enuff
Butt not round enuff
Muscles not toned enuff
Nails not long enuff
Heels not high enuff
Not tall enuff
Not short enuff
Not soft enuff
Hair not straight enuff
Hooch enuff
Prim enuff
Vulnerable enuff
Complacent enuff
Feminine enuff
Acquiescent enuff
Just not enuff

And when I realized it, again
I hardly recognized it
it had been so long
Since I saw it
My beauty, my sensuality, my sexuality
I didn’t know how to even reclaim it
Other than to say
Enuff is enuff
And pull it out from between the cushions

© 2004 Sagacious Media